Bad Days

Index

Corruption

Who keeps putting my heart in a smaller and smaller box? Stop putting air in my lungs. You can't breathe for me forever. The blood's congealed in my veins, watch my body coalesce in black, rot the flesh and melt away, there is nothing here left to worship, feebly at that. What, did you think you could bring me back? Did you really think there was something to return to? My final spite, my lasting impression, my gravenote to my fellow disease. We are not here at all. And I never was here to begin. Stop putting air in the lungs of a stillborn corpse. (I am the beater and the dead horse.)

Oops

9.24.2024

Every arrow I launch
is aimed at me
peeling away the layers
to try and reach
the part of me
where the nightmares hide
Because when they come out
that's when she cries.

The perfect child
is only made of flesh
and every mistake
still feels fresh
So he plays dumb
and feels numb
and doesn't ask
where it comes from.

How did it happen?
That sleepy head, those glassy eyes
people never see
the shadows just behind
But maybe they'll hear
a little too much quiet
Stifle it down,
cover it up with a smile.

The classic pain
fits in four lines
something to grasp on
for an uneasy mind.
troubled with doubts
of what could have been
tripping on problems
that shouldn't exist

I'm such a failure
what was I thinking
the pages blur
my heart is sinking.

There has to be more
so I keep going
emotions keep spilling
if the ink keeps flowing

Retracing my steps
I know this battlefield well
It's these little thoughts
that built my personal hell.

Afterparty

I found this and You've Been There going through my books. I think it's kinda funny bad, but worth keeping.

I'm a living drunken afterparty
that stinks of stale dreams and peanut shells
beaten with a stick and left out to dry

My gut dissolves itself and my eyes are made of sand
Sleeping with the dogs and running in the streets
My hair grows long and knotted, because I forgot to shave
My teeth and yellow and gray because I forgot to eat
My lips are broken and sallow because I forgot to breathe

Walking up the street down into the grave
My feet are walking to the sound of yesterday

My ear drums burst, the sound is disemboweled, the memory runs away from poor old twisted me

It doesn't matter, the wind and sand forgives me not. Apathetically furious, equal in disarray. The sun weighs down on my thoughts like guilt.

You've Been There

When the sun falls down
When the shadows take control
When everyone is evil
And sharing the same old soul

When teeth glitter like maggots under rocks
When skin crawls across the sidewalk
When goosebumps smooth the folds of your doubts
and the sheet of fear smothers you

When time moves like clouds and can't make up its mind
When the space between two places won't be a simple line
When you push beyond and seize something that should not be
and you've forgotten what you grieve

When the tears fall from your eyes
When you breathe and speak in sighs
When the heart inside you dies
and everything's a lie

You've been there.

Masochist

I, can fall in love with a knife
And I, can relish my own pain
I, feel it calling me
(Wallow in my self-pity)

To immolate
To burn myself
Shot to pieces, torn to shreds
I'm in love with my own death.

Oh man, God keeps raising the DIFFICULTY ON ME!!!

Acceptance

Fuck enlightenment
Be my sickness
Twin of my broken heart
Eat me whole
Drown me in you
Make it all go away
Make it all go away
Embrace you, embracing me,
Such a sightly pair
Screw the guardrails
This just might work
Spiraling all the way down together
Alter my trajectory at terminal velocity
Just a hint of nuclear fusion
Polar opposites forming a helix
Towards ground zero.
We'll make a beautiful mess.

Mmm. I like that one

Unhinged Listening

The madness is seeping in
Are you breathing?
The madness is creeping in
Are you weeping?

Taste the tears of the deceased
Salty and sweet
Add it to my Christmas list
with children's teeth

Drink from your golbet
wicked and warped
The blood inside is all
bitter lukewarm

I want to know you
I want to get to know you
Do you know?
Do you know who I am?

The radio spits
Hear it speak
The radio hour
THIS IS UNHINGED LISTENING

LMAO I can't even take myself seriously rn.
Had a dream. Blended corpse at the cafe. Cheaper than the iced tea. That makes sense.

Quid Pro Quo"

I want to tell you everything
But I'm afraid that you'll hate me
I don't even know you
If you'll pardon my sudden intimacy
I love you.

Wherever, whenever, however you are
because that's what I need.
To give is to take
Nobody knows what it means anyways.
You're lucky you caught me on a good day.

Extra

These stale words, those numb feelings, trying to describe an acute pain that can't be found. No, the words of the sane and ghostly will not suffice. Sapphire, lend me your edge, to cleft apart these ill-willed statues, monuments of gray, the nameless audience. Top from bottom, sense from will, God from man.

All to try and force one splinter of empathy, of understanding, into your heart. A replica of feeling, my homunculus in you.

My head is swimming
Another poet held together with bad dreams.
Tripping through the days, they're slipping.
For all my words, I can't speak.
Want to play god, not even a man.
I'll cut you with this truth, another useful lie.

After Hours

8.3.24

A ghost in the night,
A shadow in the day
A breath for the dead
An actor for the play

Looping through the abandoned streets
Visitors from on high
Kinfolk tumbling passersby
Midnight moon eagerly greets

A true friend, that one.
Through all kinds of thick and thin.
You can always tilt your head towards the sky.
There she's always been.

The city growls
The honest man sleeps
Silence passes on padded feet

Alone in the dark
There is great rejoicing in the stars
frolicking with Quiet and Emptiness
a merciful zen
I dare not break it with a sound or foolish grin.

(faeries dancing round streetlamps, hiding in the edges of your eyes, making beautiful sounds when noone's looking)

It is timeless now
shadows stark and bold
walking through a foreign land
cloaked in comfortable cold

Sleep will not have me (though it tugs on my sleeve)
As I part the skirts
Of night's secret intimacy
exploring nowhere, resigned I return
to the land of the king of dreams.

Waiting/Boat

8.3.24

The pain is more real than I will ever be
The costumes they wear don't disguise that they don't care
Maybe they're just like me, wrapped in entropy
Don't break the silence, don't speak, don't you dare

These walls keep me in
A knife on the skin
Sometime it's got to end

Escape in her arms
Dreams in her voice
Pray she's around the bend

But it was my choice
Never once foisted
That killed my new friend.

I can't, I couldn't, I shouldn't, I won't
I'd rather die on my sinking boat
Waiting for God to throw me a bone
Why should he care, I'm not one of his own

Worthless, useless, cowering shit
How foolish to think that this could be it.
Float like a rat on a dead man's chest
Survival instinct has me possessed.

Till suddenly I find myself in disgust
The lowliest beggar blessed by the trust
Of a kindly victim with knives in their throat
This isn't the last time I'll drown on the boat.

Test

Sincerity is temporary.
Irony is forever