So... my life in a nutshell?
  
   P.S. - My mom moved so I could go to THE BEST kids' school in Chicago, was the sound guy everywhere, blew all the money on premium trustworthy babysitters so I never went to daycare, and did it by herself without money from my dad. Then we moved to Colorado, so I could be raised in the town she was raised in at an IB school. I kinda just jumped in at elementary school. I also felt SUPER guilty about never learning Chinese, though she spent tons trying to get me interested in things -- I said I was interested to make my mom happy but I really wasn't. You can't force yourself to be interested in things, especially kids. Also I was just super intellectually lazy. Still am.
   
  I refused to acknowledge any symptoms until I was 20, and I read a book for teens about ADHD symptoms and they fit me to a tee. Also I've been using ADHD solutions unintentionally, which is probably why my life has been so much better. I should have taken that GODDAMN IED as a kid, little me was a stupid fuck JUST TAKE THE FUCKING L YOU IDIOT anyways. I didn't want to be disabled, or different, and I didn't think anything was wrong with me. I didn't have any perspective, and that's a common theme for this trust fund child. 
  I got a double dose from both parents.
  Anyways, I'm pretty sure my entire fucking shenanigans began because when I turned 10-12, I suddenly had insane ADHD. I literally couldn't turn in assignments, put in my backpack, by my mom, before school. In the bag. I also lost my pen every single day. So I went from easygoing child and grade A student to fuckup, and I didn't understand why, and that broke my relationship with my mom, a lot. I remember the exact moment, my mom was yelling at me (as she often does, she's Chinese and very verbally abusive it's great I swear) and I thought; "If I can't ever make my mom happy, I'm just going to do what I want." Around the same time I was also so guilty that I thought about killing myself with the kitchen knife and cutting my wrists, but I knew I was too much of a pussy for that. I didn't have a good enough reason to, my life is too good. I hate that reasoning by the way, it's like my feelings aren't valid at all because my life is "too good." 
  Okay, after that grades 3-5 were okay, but middle school I had severe problems. My mom kept relocating me to different schools, and I should mention I was friendly, but didn't go on playdates, I didn't know the social mechanics for how to do that, and RSVP something. Also I think I just liked reading fiction and playing with LEGOs and my nextdoor best friend more. He was white trash in the best way, dyslexic so I unfortunately couldn't share my books with him, but he was good. Cocky too, and hilarious. Cayden was his name, he was very proud of it, it meant "God of War" to him. We played imagination all the time. I got too old for it, that sucked.
  Middle school sucked, I didn't care about the schoolwork at all, my mom was very exhausted but refused to put me in public school. We tried the "special kids" school where I learned how to be a gay liberal, online school where I failed at Chinese, then we moved to a poorer, more diverse town in southern Colorado where I went to a magnet school and failed, then I went to a public school and voila, actually did OK. I find that fucking hilarious. And then, of course, we moved to South America.
  My parents went to Uruguay and let me go back to the U.S. to finish my dumb American middle schooling because I wanted to be with my friends and actually succeed at something. I didn't know what to do in Uruguay because I didn't speak the language and plainly, I was already a loser. I'd given up on achieving anything other than listening to Silver Mt. Zion and reading the Angry GM to try and be a good D&D Gamemaster for a game that never happened. Not once have I played a real campaign of D&D since I was 12. I didn't enjoy being in a foreign country, which was a mistake.
  Yes, I did stay by myself at 14 in our house. I bought my own groceries riding a bike to the King Soopers and back, and I stayed up til midnight often watching Jacksepticeye's Detroit: Become Human playthrough. Eventually I went back to Uruguay, and then we had massive health problems. I was really stressing my mom out by refusing to answer calls, sneaking through the app timer block, and generally being an asshole too. When I was in Uruguay, I was supposed to do online schooling, but basically dodged the whole thing. My parents are VERY hands off, and my mom likes "unschooling," which is basically "don't send your kids to public school, give them books and a bank account." 
  We got this crazy mold allergy that's like allergies to 11, gives you dementia and brainfog and makes you crazy. Then we went to Argentina in Buenos Aires and Delta Tigre, then they got literally flooded out and we took a boat to fly to Bolivia. Every single day was a struggle, if you brought a toxic item with chemicals or anything on it into the house, everything in the house was contaminated and had to be destroyed or cleaned. It was a lot like nuclear radioactive contamination, actually we learned a lot from a guy who was a nuclear specialist and wrote a book about living with mold. Mold Toxicity is like consumption -- the only cure is to move to the Desert until your symptoms get better and you can MAYBE readjust to a normal life. Not really. My mom still reacts to everything after 3? years.
  In Bolivia we added Altitude Sickness to our status list, because in case you didn't notice we went from sea level to BOLIVIA. I threw up in some rose bushes and couldn't get up or eat for a week, it was great. Also they were having the Evo Morales thing while we were there, we arrived the day he was reelected and left the day he fled to Mexico. Scary shit, they were gluing brick to the road and greeted stopped travelers with baseball bats. Otherwise, very nice country lmao. There were these ladies with black bowler hats and alpaca fiber stuff everywhere. I still have a scarf from there, I'll upload a pic.
  Then when we got back, we drove home to Colorado, had to leave everything because of chemicals and oil fracking... yea entire houses and shit. Then we drove back to Florida because my mom felt kinda okay there and stayed. THEN COVID HAPPENED. We fought it from the very first day, all the bullshit and everything. We moved from Gainesville to Marco to Naples to Everglades City which is in the REAL down south. Mosquitoes eat you alive there. You see 'gators daily. Also nobody likes to be there, it's kinda the boonies. Still, the environment made us feel good.
  Then we relocated to Alabama. Not good for mold, too much moisture. Bought houses, sold houses, explore and repeat. Really nice people. I secretly bought an Xbox One for myself and got in trouble for that.
  Then we relocated to Arizona. When I flew in I thought I was going to die, I kept falling asleep on any surface, couldn't breathe in the shower, for a few days, I swear something was funky with that house. Also, I'd brought my chickens from Alabama and had to take care of them.
  Then I moved to Texas for a bit, then back to Arizona.
  
  Anyways, depression. I think wanting to kill yourself since you were 12 for eight years and thinking about it every week might qualify, although I could be making a big deal out of it. Often I wanted to burn down the house and kill myself in a really grand gesture of "fuck you" to my parents. Also killing all the animals. Did I mention I'm a piece of shit?
  Did I do it? No. Obvio. I'm still typing, aren't I? But I've neglected animals and all my duties to watch porn, play videogames, watch youtube, ignore my life. My family's forgiven me more than they should've, although my mom claims not to believe in unconditional love. I wonder if I'm just a sunk cost fallacy.
  
  Spent all day in bed. Multiple times. Got up. Ate food until my stomach hurt. Went back to bed. Always feeling like shit.
  I met a guy who told my mom she should abort me. I wondered why she didn't. Then I remembered that she was a vegetarian for most of her life. She can't stand to kill an animal, she's not going to kill her baby. Even if she had him with the least desirable guy in her friend group. hahahahaha.
  Also I have a stepdad. My real dad, I have realized, is a bit of a deadbeat. I never realized, because my mom didn't make a big deal out of it. She only got upset when he wasn't reliable and directly ignored her explicit instructions. Otherwise, he visited me about once a year until that trailed off. I didn't understand that I wasn't a real priority in his life until very recently. He never calls me until I call him or my grandpa reminds him. I have a closer relationship with my paternal grandpa than my dad.
  I didn't have two parents until I was 12, and my stepdad never really "disciplined" me. My mom was more than enough. I did some Machiavellian shit as a kid to get access to videogames instead of earning it. I could blame my lying disease on my dad, who did lie often about little things, but I think I just chose to be a manipulative asshole.
  
  
  Anyways, I'm pretty sure all this ties back to my relationship with my mom, I fucked it up and then instead of fixing it I doubled down. I didn't understand that I could work towards positive ends or that I had anything I wanted to do in my life for MYSELF. I didn't have any perspective. Everything I heard from her was negative, and when she did congratulate me it felt like backhanded sarcasm, like "Congratulations, you graduated from elementary school." whoopdee fuckin doo. She always has to be right, and it doesn't help that she often is. I realize, arguing with my younger siblings mimicking my mom, how degrading it is to be a kid who's never validated, arguing with someone who thinks they know better than you.
  I really just wanted to make my mom happy, and I swore it never happened, and I gave up. I wanted to do whatever I wanted, but I had to conform to her rules, so I became a liar and manipulative and selfish. Then it became a habit, that's the only way I can get what I want. I can't ask for help, I can't communicate what I want.
  "If I follow the rules, I don't get what I want. If I do what I want, I sometimes get punished. But I'm numb to the punishment, I can take every kind of withholding and demeaning that she's tried. I don't care anymore. Also I hate her and I'll leave someday." I caught myself thinking that and went -- whoa. Holy shit, that's LITERALLY the evil mindset. Ugh. Eeeeeeyuch.
  I talked to other people and was on the internet (when I wasn't supposed to, sneaking it at the library, internet addiction and all), and I got a bit more perspective. I realized I could actually DO things in my life and accomplish shit. Well, that came later, but I did have to WANT something in order to really exist. I think it was that I wanted to learn to play bass like the guy from Primus. Yeah.
  Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder - I have trouble obsessing and also neglecting things... wow no shit. I watch everything at 2x speed, with CC enabled, always. I have to keep my inventory in my pockets exactly the same or I'll get locked out of the house. I'll watch YouTube until the battery dies, lingering outside the library like a creep... I have no shame. After hours. And then I come back to myself and I'm like, "Why the fuck did I do that?" And my eyes are fucked up and shit. That's probably why I need glasses now. About 50 10-hour internet binges too many. Also I love listening to music on repeat forever, and I'm picky with clothes, they have to fit perfect and be comfortable. I hate the scratchy shit when the T-Shirt logos wear off. I like the feel of embroidery. There are those scratchy polyester fabrics I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT STAND. Probably preference, that one.
  They also say that kids with ADHD are more likely to develop Anxiety and stuff because their parents don't know what to do, and they fail at what's normal for other people.
  I don't like self-diagnosing, but my ma told me I have textbook ADHD and now I see she was right.
  
  HOW I'M GETTING BETTER
  Moment 1: I went on a walk after a fucked up bender and realized that I am where I am because I want to be here. I chose this. I could kill myself or walk out, but I didn't want to do that. I want to be here. I want to do this. I want to help my parents and live on a sustainable property off grid. I know that Bill Gates and Company are out there.
  Moment 2: As ridiculous as it is, I started folding my socks right side out. Yes, that's right. For 20 years I pointlessly struggled with my socks EVERY SINGLE MORNING before I realized, "Hey. I can fold them all. Now. During landry, for my future self." It's a little thing that really helped, and I learned you can make little improvements to EVERYTHING. I have a very sad, pitiful, stupid life.