Now THIS is Peak Modern Design
- 5 factor authentication. Yes, you need your phone, your computer, your SSN, your mom's permission and also the approval of fucking Congress before you can log in. Yes, you need a phone to use your computer.
- captcha. Don't you just love puzzle games? Come on! It's so fun arguing with the AI over what qualifies as a lamp post.
- Can't log in? Even after the seven trials of Hercules? Feel free to contact our customer support team at support@we-dont-exist.com. But at least you can talk to our on-site AI chatbot!
- So you managed to log in, you bastard. Well, now you can peruse a dozen menus with all the important features being confusingly named and juuuust close enough so you can constantly click the wrong button. Y'know, it just works. The UI is positively hostile, but come on, you won't leave us, you've already whacked yourself in the head long enough to get familiar and every app will be just as evil.
Hope you like the rainbow, we made the UI so stimulating it gives one in ten users epilepsy and three of them motion sickness. We have to cram as many advertisements and pop-ups as possible onto your screen, all blinking and moving at once. OMG the scrolling is so SMOOTH wauw the transitions are so COOL. Too bad the MENU IS FUCKING BROKEN and you're missing BASIC FEATURES AND INFORMATION. Do you like it?! Do you like the now?!? Eat the Javascript, LOVE the Javascript, Worship the Holy JavaScriptures!
- Oh, you want to log out? Are you sure? Maybe you should remember this device so you won't have to log in. After all, if you log in from a location two miles away from normal, we'll call the cops on you, you digital terrorist. Oh, and we made the log out button the hardest to get to, at the very bottom of the settings menu. 
- You can only pay through automatic billing. We're hoping you forget about this app so we can milk your bank account. Don't forget to upgrade to the Premium plan! We'll give you a pop-up every time just to make sure you remember.
- Please keep your device on at all times, we have to constantly update our spyware -- I mean, features. That only work for Premium tier users, of course. Whaaaaat? Our app is slowing your computer down? No way, couldn't be us. Maybe it's the AI we use, I mean, we don't own it and it seems to be collecting all of our data... Nah I'm sure it's fine.
You should definitely screencast. It will definitely work. If that doesn't work maybe you should use a cable. Looks like you need a brand-specific cable that we just invented, it's totally better, and you'll have to buy extension cords one foot at a time. What do you mean you have 20 years of functional cables from an era when computers only worked through wires? Bullshit, the future is now, when you use bluetooth that doesn't work so you can return to wiring. Also the adapter is $500.

Oh my God. You better not be actually trying to leave this platform. I mean, we never built a way to export your files. I guess we'll just hold your notes from the past five years hostage. It'd be a real shame if some of them were to randomly disappear. Maybe as a consequence of updating the app so often that it breaks.

And if you liked the app? Great, in ten years, since everyone loves it so much and has become dependent on it, we'll sell it to another company who will completely redesign everything you liked about it for their own bloodsucking purposes.

Reject modernity. Return to .txt.