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This page is based on Vashti's impressive diary. The beauty is in the simplicity!
(Thinking out loud.)
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9.30.24 - WARNINGSo... everything is magically better. I will never understand my mother, she always has this mental switch from threatening me with homelessness and shutting off my phone to ignoring it and everything's okay? I watched her and learned how to put on a face, anger at one person but not at another. I guess it's valuable but still. I have too many faces, some days I'm a wounded animal, other times I'm a giggling madman in love with the prose, other times I'm chill, or morose, or enthralled... it's crowded in here. Not enough space for the one of us. I've been chomping at the bit to update this site but the stars declined to align, besides, it's not a good time to obsess over this. Oh gosh. I read a site today, yeah I love God too but Jesus I can chew on the religiousness. That's just me, I am mildly religious-intolerant. I hate the word "just" and "tired," I use them so much. They are weak, whining, begging words. Oh just if I had this, I just need that, just just just -- shut up.
I was fine yesterday but not today! How does it happen like that. I have to struggle to keep my sanity, kind of like the Hulk from the first movie in like 2000s which I WILL STAND BY. But yes, I have to struggle for sanity, unlike others. Fun Fact: Lotus has been living in a friendless, sterile, stagnant cube of his own making for the last five years. I never realized how broken I was, it looks fine from in here. And then I'll convince myself that I'm fine, that I just need to do x or y or z and everything will be okay -- FUCK YOU I'M NOT -- See? Insecurity and inner turmoil in abundance. Just Just Just.
I remembered that I wanted to kill myself when I was 12. My mother has always made me feel that way. a thousand hours of yelling, I think that counts as hate. But the reason I didn't ever harm myself was because I told myself I'd get out someday. Well, here I am still. Didn't try too hard. If you wanted me to be a success, maybe don't tell me I'm such a failure for one thousand hours. You were the one who made me read those books on the importance of word choice. Hypocrisy. But she keeps me alive. I believe this is a toxic relationship, mutual abuse, the fuck up child. I always just shut down. GO back to what makes me comfortable. Avoid the pain of existing. Since I was 12. Seven years later, look where I am? Spilling guts to the internet. WHy? Because I want to.
Another thing; it's possible that the reason I always tell people my flaws is because I believe them, and I feel like they're going to find out eventually. And if I don't tell them, it feels like I'm lying to try and be more appealing than I am. It probably doesn't make sense, but emotions don't care about reason. All my behaviour thought-lines are tangled and torn. She tells me I do this for attention. Very possible. People love a good psycho. Cultural obsession with the mentally ill tragic heroes. Look, I'll throw myself off a cliff too! All this darkness, all my shadows, just behind me. They come from me, they are me. They'll always be there, I have to learn to accept them. I think that's the way to go.
9.30.24 - ON A BETTER NOTE I made some art that I really like, couldn't upload it because tech reasons. Also, apparently my eyesight has gotten worse, so I had to get a day-driving license only. OH! And I went to this driving course, most surprising thing, guy next to me who made a show of being really sincere and appreciative - dude was just faking it. Really helping my faith in humanity. Aaaaand I made some scones. The first batch had too much baking soda, just awful taste, but second batch came out very nicely. I wonder how I can improve them more. I like a good crunchy scone. I was feeling down but listened to George Strait, good choice, brought me back to life. I need to do that more often. Mr. Void, we don't have a gender-neutral name for you, as I've never really seen you. But I like Mr. Void, it feels nice and funny, childish. I hope you are doing well wherever you are, and remember to not let my CRUSHING DEPRESSION bag you down haha. Really, I'm feeling fine. Probably just had too much sugar and a yeast-crash. I don't want other people to worry for me too much. I know that however it goes, life goes on, and even all this drama will pass. I'll still have this website, and I'll find a way to get food, because I am alive.
9.25.24What do you mean comedy is dead? hedonistic relative morality bullshit, transfesto gaysplaining inferiority complex manbabies, nihilistic holier than thou false intelligentsia dipshits, the bourgeiousie clownfest of prole-supporting old white men, fuckin schizoclimate bondage cultists gluing themselves to railways, pedophiles, faux funny NeoNazi frogfrens, bohemians, artfags, students, professors, rich people, poor people, there is no lack of targets (material). What you lack are the balls and the imagination to pull off a competent comedy act in a circus gone mad. Perchance. We laugh at nothing because we are not allowed to laugh at anything, so thin-skinned is the righteous and religious rigmarole.
Yeah I found my workflowy and rid it of its valuable weight. Got in a fight with my mother, I don't really want to talk about it but I might have to, just to get it off my chest. This is a personal site, after all, and most of the stuff I say I'd be willing to say to your face. I mean, if you find me, if you have a cool site, even if you are a blue-haired commie liberal, I mean, fuck, let's find something to agree on, you know? I got a site, you got a site... what do we gotta do to make this work? Hah.
9.18.24Heyo Voido! I've been in a glorious mood. Everything is glorious. Glorious this, glorious that. I think it has to do with meditation and waking up before the sun... every single day I get glorious sunrises and sunsets (oops I did it again.) I really hope this isn't a temporary thing. Gosh. Also, I've been bursting with bits for the site, talking to myself too much, pacing the walkways. Obsession is like a faucet, I can't turn it off and it'll flood the house if someone doesn't set the house on fire. Mister Dizzy wrote about metamodernism, which completely aligns with the way I've felt for a while. This nihilism isn't useful, and it destroys us. We have to find purpose in the meaninglessness, even a nonsensical one like, "I want to eat more food." I WANT MORE is a better statement than I WANT NOTHING. What a lie I've told myself. Time to put myself on the correct track.
Again, this is my grand mood speaking. If I should fall into the old speech patterns of my depression... it would be welcomed. That's morose, but it's true. I had a friend who said that he let his depression in through the front door, and sat with it like an old friend. You have to live with it. But this segue is broken, I need a new line.
I am insecure. I am becoming more aware of myself. Accepting who I am. i AM a writer, I AM an artist, even if I'm not good at it, I do it consistently, it is a part of me as much as my moods, which do happen. But the important realization is my insecurity. I thought I was conflicted, but this is a more accurate term. It's the 'why' for so many things, like my need to be "intelligent," my insecurity as a person worth being around, my fear of doing what I need to. With acceptance and realization I can work on myself and work forwards. Not dig at myself with knives and loathe my being. My Insecurities are killing me, and now I will fight back. Gross, you're being so sincere SHUT UP! *blam* See? Insecurities abound. We could use some f*ing sincerity, that's what you were aiming for, wasn't it, my demonic friend? The truth may be that I am unattractive, and unlikable, and an asshole, and a moron, but YOU have been party to ALL OF IT. And by you I mean me. I take responsibility for this beast.
Too much sunshine, time to be dramatic. My whip-tongue has returned with confidence (that insidious specimen) and now waves flame-like, begging for a target. Pages have been burned and will be added twostep-like. Thank you for watching, hope you enjoyed the show. *curtain-fall*
9.13.24Hi Mr. Void. It's been a bit. I've been writing in my physical journal more and I think it shows. Hard to find anything I write worth putting even online but... I write and I draw every night I can. Accepting myself as I am, and still yearning to be more. I hate the SM game. That's all I have to say about that. Speaking for the sake of noise to try and gather attention really draws out the worst side of myself. There is no competition on a small website, in fact, you write assuming noone will read this. Some things I have realized about myself, will be added to the other page when THAT is realized. I'll try and work on that ASAP. But I just wanted to toss something in the Online Journal.
8.26.24So... I've been trying to get ready to move but I have conspired against myself to prevent any progress in my life. I went on a youtube binge and... uh... tried tumblr. I never realized I hate sexuality so much. All this trans shit... people are so fucked up when it comes to sex. It's either too much or too little, and everyone is crazy. That's going in the epiphanies section, Humans are just Crazy about Sex. Obsessed with sex. Trans is really about what's down there. Its fucked up man. Anyways.
I don't want to be the kind of person that's terminally online. I realize just how different neocities and the small net are from the rest of it now. I just have an unhealthy relationship with the internet though, it's fine for most people but I can't really handle it. I know a lot of other people must have the same issue though. I think it really is dangerous to separate from reality, get this split-soul shit, because it's real. I think that must be the appeal of Serial Lain or whatever, people really do be dissociating from themselves and from reality. And just... I don't wanna go there. I don't want to be a furry or a weeb or a incel or a neo-nazi, I just want to have a little fun. The virtual world turned from an escape from reality into an escape from reality. It may as well be drugs, the way it screws up your brain and the way you relate to others, until the only people you can hang with are fellow junkies. Guess I'm an internet junkie. What do you think? Really, I mean what do you think? You're reading someone else's journal, you must have some thoughts of your own, correct? I never really realized how dangerous (and easy) it can be to never think. I didn't even realize I wasn't thinking. I was just getting along. Swallowing the powdered water must've done a number on me.
I think the funniest thing I've realized is that school was right in how they were trying to teach me to break down essays and stuff, to really analyze it, but I had no idea what they were even talking about. Like, yeah, read what they're saying, no shit sherlock. But after listening to a bunch of video essays of people offering their view on what a thing means, I actually started to get it. School had the right idea, but it didn't communicate it to me, and I didn't even know what I didn't understand. That's why I hate essays, they just wanted me to offer a fucking number of sentences like, yes, we see you've communicated the idea, now communicate again and some more until we truly understand. Bitch I TOLD YOU THE THING. WHY DO YOU NEED MORE FLUFF. But like, fine, I'll add meaningless sentences to satisfy your stupid minimum. It's almost like... they don't want you to actually effectively communicate.
Hot take: all students should play Arma III or some similar team-based activity where communication is essential. I think that'd be funny, interesting, and physical. Like, dodgeball is boring, but how about paintball for P.E.? With tactical team shit? Almost like... a "sport"...
Okay, that's all for now. G'bye Mr. Void. Dah zavtra.
8.5.24Funny, Youtube is having a stroke and playing Sober->Prison Sex->Sober. The world may be falling apart. Might be OK. I added the Clock page today and looked at my previous pages. I actually think that my first edgy all-black iteration was pretty good. I could've stuck with that, that's basically what I returned to anyways. I'm realizing I'm free to be as dark- or as light-hearted as I want to be at the moment. So much for a unified theme, I'm a conflicted freak who writes unique CSS for each page hahaha. Duolingo's widget is hilarious, practically begging me to return and everytime I just get a rebellious hit. "No, Duolingo, you may politely starve the fuck to death." What are my interests? I guess it'd be my TTRPG, playlists, and writing poetry. I draw sometimes, but again, I'm not spectacular at anything. This site is kind of like my personal bonsai tree, prune it this way and that. I love Neocities followers and posts but I also have disdain for the social media aspect. It's like the only thing I talk about! I may as well do something about it. OH GOD THIS AUDIO IS SO CRUNCHY WTF YOUTUBE. I think up next is my playlist page, I've been poring over that crap way too hard. Ciao Mr. Void.
8.2.24Slowly, surely... this is how a website is made. God, updating this website with my phone and thumbs was a pain. But progress is progress. At least now I have the poetry page present so that I can post more puissant garbage. Having a p moment. It's interesting to think of websites as being organic things that grow, change, and eventually die. They may even decompose over time with data loss and corruption, forming the new leafy compost for new digital life.
I got so crazy my mom took it as sarcasm and laughed. I'm very crazy and conflicted, nothing I do makes sense. She described it well, I'm a theater kid who never wants to perform (though I secretly do and it's killing me). And all the theater kids view life as a play, disconnected and something to enjoy. Makes a lot of sense. I can't help but satirise/sabotage everything, even my own despair. Lacks sincerity and I'm upset with this. Witty Nonsense coming soon to stores near you.
The cardboard boxes... stop leaving them outside!!! Don't you know they SPAWN CATS?!?!?! Out of battery. SYS Mr. Void
7.27.24I feel like I can't ever truly be honest... I feel like anything I say will be tied back to me and weaponized, even though that's absolutely silly. I'm afraid of regretting my actions. "Something's wrong, when we regret, things that haven't happened yet." Anyways, you do know that your phone is just a tracker with apps right? It's utterly terrifying to think that everyone is being logged everywhere and at all times... and that most people either don't know or don't care. Big Brother is watching, and nobody cares. Kinda what I like about smol net. Brings back the slow, the personal, the very personal nature of just... sharing things over the net. For being an earth sign I sure am basically high at all times. High on the love, man...
Anyways, it's nice to see you again Mr. Void. I've been OK. Went for a long time without sugar, got it yesterday and now I'm screwed up. Yeah I'm super sensitive to like everything. I'm in a good mood, I couldn't stop thinking of ideas and stuff.
7.11.24 Whenever I come back here, I just end up looking at other people's sites. I make things for attention and validation. It's just awful. Well, now I'm aware. I also think that my depressing loner behavior is another plea for attention, another way to try and stand out from the crowd. "I don't know" is a great way to avoid responsibility. I wonder if trying to emulate older stuff is any sort of progress, but also does it even matter? These sites are 100% personal. What do I want? is such an important question. I don't really know what I want, but I do know what I like.
Shock factor, suicide, really gets those headlines. So much pain to try and find the right people. That's what being different is about, it's about finding your personal group, your tribe. Culture.
6.27.24 Discovered that the Hellsing soundtrack slaps... bass. Really good stuff, recommend you give it a listen. The site isn't going so swimmingly, but progress is progress. Trees are so patient. Really, they're just pretending to be still. Or is it that we move too fast to see them move? Everything is alive, everything is dead, everything is dying. I'm a walking corpse, wearing cowskin boots, clothed in cotton and plastic. Everything is just a flow of energy, slow enough to be visible, to be felt and experienced, to give the illusion of existence and permanence. Eventually everything will be forgotten, everyone will die, and things will move on without us. Which makes me feel so inconsequential, even when you know that life's a grand show, a very unique experience of now. It's a miracle to be alive, to have all these strange human ideas in my head.
It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you master it and you can turn it into value. I have to do that, but I don't really want to. I'm very lazy, mentally and physically. Watching myself go through the motions, but the hit isn't the same. I believe I desire to be miserable, to be more interesting. In that way, I have victimized myself and made my own life hell. You have to better yourself, and at least try. But isn't that what friends and relationships are for? To help you become a better person? I don't know man, people get burned. A puppy needs heat to live, and they use the warmth from the other pups and the mother to survive. Without that heat, they die and never become a dog. To live... as a pet. Is that so bad? Is it better than being free? I don't know man. (Hide behind your ignorance.)
Personalize yourself with this corporate product!!! My favorite drink is Gamersupps so much, Real 666startastictarded flaver, let me just reek of absolute REDDITGOLD user status while I fling my MONKEYSHIT opinions. Because yes, I DO care about a pixel-by-pixel analysis of Hatsune Miku's ass. Man, I'm such a rebel, wearing my edgy five finger death punch anime hoodie with matrix glasses, yeah fuck the machine (lol it fucks you)... What just happened?!
Anyways, we exist to buy. Ciao.
6.18.24 Not dead yet, just busy dying. Been writing a lot of dark stuff, wanna make a poetry page to spread my disease XE. I don't know, it really helps to express that shit, I'm kind of wary of framing it and hanging it up for all to see though... ah fuckit, that's what the internet is for. Sharing embarrassingly personal stuff with zero regard, because after all, on the internet, everyone's anonymous. Right? Not really. Who cares! I'm going to permanently lodge my mistakes in the memory of the digital world! WHOO! ... Can you see through my enthusiasm? Yeah it kinda ebbs and flows. I think I'm finally giving up on gaming altogether, I just can't really handle it and be... human. What I really love about games is the sport, the competition. Not when people are dicks although now I know trolling is just human behaviour. So many ideas about what I could do on the site... but then I have my trouble just setting up one page, so yeah. Gosh, going back through your files must be a nightmare, this is already *interesting enough.
Also I've been learning Russian. The world is scary. I'd kinda rather be on the side of BRICS and y'know, the rest of the planet rather than team MERICA with EU slavery buddy-nations. Bitcoin my dude. Ohno, I've sunken into postmodern lack of sincerity in speech, must return to shakespearean prose, because everything new sucks. OK CIAO! Or, DASVI DANYA.
6.9.24 Sorry to leave everything hanging. I tend to do that. I'm like a bike chain; sometimes it's on all right and working smoothly, until it falls off and everything well... doesn't go so smoothly. Man, mobile games are such a waste of time. It's like, why wouldn't I just have the real effing thing?
I think people need to be nicer to newbies. Everyone learns, everyone's kinda dumb somehow. Maybe be less presumptive, be more humble. We're all stuck together. But also learn to shut the f*ck up and listen. It's a good skill. I don't know why but I always feel I talk too much, another pet peeve is when I kinda just hover around because I don't talk... I try not to disturb people with my uh... oddity and randomness. Most people don't seem to mind because I'm still young and pretty lol. Eventually the welcome is worn out and speaking your mind becomes a liability. It's all a matter of time.
I can't help but feel that I've moved into my young adult stage, and need to take advantage of it somehow. But I've never been a sociable person. I want to hang out, but I've never really gone there with "friends." They've always just been acquaintances, somebody I knew. Take noone home. Let noone know. And now I'm spilling my guts to the whole internet. Well, isn't that funny.
I love music! Black Keys are cool, I need to listen to them more. OK Ciao!
6.4.24 I keep end up surfing the web... my heat floats on clouds. Silver platter to God? Peekaboo, Heaven I see you. Godsh I'm a fool. Anyhoo, last night I dreamed my town was nuked and I dove into our house out of town to avoid the shockwave or whatever. Not actually my house, nice casita-type way out in the desert. Then I got back outside and there was a lady, "What do we do now?" and I had to admit I didn't know. I think we shower and try to avoid the radiation, and cover our mouths to avoid the radioactive ash. All in all not a bad dream. Kinda ended too soon.
Visited a local gallery today. Too many horses. Feels like they're trying to romanticize the Wild West, which they probably are. The only art that really caught my eye was of a few cows laying down in a more surreal background, it felt more real than the commercial stuff. A very quiet scene that you could really find yourself in. Sometimes the technical work is what catches me, but that's not what I really want from art, y'know? I lean more towards impressionist stuff, realism gets boring -- what am I supposed to feel from all this brown and orange? But too abstract and it's just noise to me, it gets hard for me to care.
I think being happy can be dangerous. Feel like a knife's edge, smiling to myself and willing to turn violent or breakdown in a moment, the excitement gets to me. I'm too used to being too tired to care and doing nothing. I really do love my sleep; I forget I exist and get to see the trophies of my imagination in splendor. It's strange, to consider that the same meatspace that conceives the idea also enjoys it, mental masturbation if you will.
6.1.24 I know I'm supposed to probably organize my thoughts in a better way, maybe post an article, but I find that to be too much work and too organized. I'm not trying to be the next Karl Marx, but if you know me you know what I think, you know? I've always thought of school shooters/suicide as kinda pathetic, like you couldn't do anything else first? Yeah. "Lemme go o-on, like a blister in the sun..." It's so hard knowing what you want to do and then having the audacity to go do it. My sin is definitely sloth. There's so much room in the cracks of society. Did I fall off the rails? Maybe. Was it my own fault? Absolutely. (most) Everything is your fault. You're responsible for everything that happens to you (in some extent). Not victim-blaming of course, most aren't responsible for getting themselves r*ped or unalived, but we do have responsibilities for ourselves.
5.31.24 Welp, I'm absolutely a navel-gazer. I'm trying to talk about myself less. (is that an oxymoron?) Don't feel great. Feel like spitting acid. I've been miserable lately. ENA has been my saving grace though! "SOMEONE PLEASE END MY SUFFERING" has never been so poetic lol. Admitting that, to some extent, I am a little bit of a gay artfag degenerate. Probably why I hate em so much. I like the gay stuff, but I'm not gay and never will be. But I'm not a 4chan neonazi either so... I'm just me. Factionless anti-factionist, let's just coexist y'know? The site is really to help me understand myself and make something cool along the way. Also my brain isn't working right, I'm not finishing words correctly... haven't really cared about living my life at all, wish it was all just a dream. Never had anyone to express this to, kinda hoping noone will see this too.
Feel like a therapist does the job of a good friend. "You won't kill yourself, you would've done that by now, so quit the emo shit" wow thanks XP. Don't worry, not killing myself is my screw you to the establishment and life, I refuse to die early!
5.23.24 I started having nightmares again after what seems like years. Sleep deprivation and too much reading, I got to revisit my nightmares. They were actually awfully pleasant, guess subliminally coming to terms with my acceptance of the odd and freaky. In one, I saw a row of destroyed houses melting into mountains in the sunset, and teared up with my companions at the sight before delving into a demonic dungeon where we fight all the sins back into hell. Night before that, there was a freaky circus, all orange and black (hm take a hint?) and it was like a videogame, I honestly had fun flying through the halloween night and skipping levels, because it didn't matter to me. I was re-reading an autobiography of Vincent van Gogh from the 50s, it's obviously romanticized but I feel very close/similar to the story.
And then I checked in here and some person's following everyone on Neocities. Had a cool site, I gave em a follow, last time this didn't end well though. Like the anti-manifesto manifesto, but their postmodern hate of logic and political stance is in and of itself a stance. I like your art, (you being generic) but you lack sincerity, ripping everyone and everything down to make yourself look better. Admit it, it is better to be rich than to be poor, to be fed than to be starving. That's what you want. Go get that instead of crying about it. Everyone's a hypocrite and a mess, including you and me. Life isn't fair. All we can do is what we want to do. And forgive others for doing what they want to do.
If you believe that everything is connected, you can't reject one thing without rejecting everything. Keep an open mind and don't stand on this or that. (But then you become a slouch who does nothing, stands on nothing.) There is a very competitive, dualistic state of right vs. wrong, us vs. them, and being all in oneness is quite nice. But it's not the way the world works. By our nature we are born and forced into action. Oh, look at me, I'm categorizing and defining this or that against the Dao. Yeah it's a nice experiment. It doesn't explain everything, nothing does.
You have a 100% chance of dying. What are your odds for truly, emphatically living?
5.18.24 Dear Mr. Void -- no I won't say that. It's been very hot today. I wanted to make some additions to the site, but I don't have enough time... I love Vincent Van Gogh's story, at least the way I've heard it. He was very romantic, very lonely, very desperate... trying to fill up something, but noone could be his saviour, take on all his burdens and expectations. I wonder if I suffer from the same delusions, will suffer the same fate. Also he started painting at about 25? He was much older, everyone told him he was too old, but he had found his passion. He seemed autistic in my representation, constantly overdoing everything and upset if things weren't precisely right and moral. He sounds just like me... He was kind of an incel, idolizing and hating women and hence humanity, but trying to love them all through art. He thought he could love with religion, but it was never enough. OK bye, have a nice day.
5.16.24 Mr. Void, we have fun don't we? I at least try to. This mix is really a gateway to happiness for me. Gosh, Constantine, Frank Miller's Batman, and Neil Gaiman... they make my soul go brrr. I sound really gay... must channel more broody emo, less cheerful spirit. Nevermind, screw that! We have fun! The tasks for revamping the site are... daunting. Need time boohoo. The site is like a flower, it needs time to bloom. Starting out perfect and full formed is aberrant.
I don't believe in ADHD Depression etc. for the most part. I think we're all just human and inventing new terms for the same problems doesn't make them better. We have to grow and struggle as humans, hiding behind and blaming labels for your problems is --pardon the term-- pussy shit. Responsibility means admitting you have problems and dealing with them. As a generation, I feel we've gotten irresponsible, unable to put two thoughts together and reflect on what we've become, too busy being distracted by the hellish devices. And that's a reflection of me, I do the same shit but I'm a little bit aware.
I wonder how much of our thoughts come from others. Is anything really original? Or is it just a mashup of ideas we've heard into something that looks new? Can't help it, don't worry about it. I want to be a nice, polite person, but it's not compatible with being a righteous asshole. Well it is, but don't trust others to grok the nuances of free speech.
5.14.24 Dear Mr. Void, how are you feeling? Hope you got to smile today. Gosh, it's gonna be a headache to go through and redo all the webpages and do all the things... I see why people use those to-do lists on their own webpages. I'm always gonna be upset that janky political opinions will make people completely disregard me :/. So many cool graphics... need to make an inspo section for my links! It makes me want to cry, thinking of all the time so many different people have put into crafting their websites and the imgs that live on past them. I think I get why the "dead internet" theory is so upsetting now... especially that one html color personality test! I really wanna do that one but I'm not sure if spacefem is down or just blocked by where I'm accessing internet. Websurfing has a lot of dead ends and a lot of rewards.
5.13.2024 I didn't get my fights in last week (swordfighting kinda), so I've been itching for it... But I got em in yesterday! Squeezed em in crazy like tween two shifts. Dear Mr. Void, how do you do today? Was thinking that I might actually need to go see a therapist, because all my life I've been broken, gnarled... just grew up the wrong way, like a twisted tree. I'm missing spots in my head, things I should know but I don't. There I go again, getting all prosaic. An then I took myself to go get ice cream, cause screw other people, I can buy myself flowers.... Too much self-hate, needed a little self-love. I found a word that finally fits me; conflicted. I don't know this or that, so I just sit. And my sin is sloth. I'm obsessive about the things I love but everything else... I ignore.
I really love sleep. Dreaming, not caring about anything, just letting it all slip away. Not even reaching arms out to try and grasp something, just curled up into yourself watching it all go by. To avoid dying I have to love life. Everybody's dying, (100% guaranteed) and some people are already dead, they just don't know it yet. Love of something can be a resurrection for a person.
OOh, and yesterday I served a bunch of people... Satanists perhaps. They tipped really well. (One dude was... Wait a minute-- What's the point of sharing drama and gossip? There's already so much of that in real life, why do we need more of it??? It's just interesting. Treat people nicely. Have an open mind. Oh, right, one dude was wearing a pentacle and there was a lot of metal in their faces and edgy tees, so I just thought "Satanist." But maybe that one kid was just edgy. Policy is, if they're not drinking blood or sacrificing or doing creepy shit, they're fine. 'Sides, I don't have to know them much, just bring them the order. I like serving, you get to bring people food. Food is great, it makes me happy to make others happy. I do try.
Love yourself/someone else today. Follow your passions. Don't lie to yourself or to others. (Watch me self-destruct in the next entry.)
5.9.2024 Had my important USB in the wash. Almost had a heart attack when I saw. Fortunately, I'm really bad at freaking out. Luck 10 my boy, life is a skill issue. It was fine, most of what was corrupted was trash. Don't have a laptop now so I'm gonna have to do my updating in the daylight *frown.
5.6.2024 I've been greatly enjoying Great Teacher Onizuka and Delicious Dungeon (both manga). I like it when the protagonist is genuine, even if they are a piece of crap. GTO is unflinchingly stereotypical manga, but it has moments of lucidity whenever we're not with our ridiculous IQ 0 pervy protag. The students are real and Onizuka's motivation to be a great teacher no matter what is fun to watch. It kinda annoys me when the protagonist is just this amazingly perfect person who never makes a mistake and everybody falls in love with them. I can see a little bit of that in the manga, but he does things that are actually incredible, not just the PoWeR oF HiS PeRsOnAlItY. Anyways that's all. Also Jayne from Firefly is cool. Maybe there's a theme.

EDIT: Nah, GTO is straight up pervy. GTFO GTO, got better things to do with time than more manga shenanigans. But if that's what you're into, hey. Blarg.

5.3.2024 This is crazy ranting only makes sense if you're on the same wavelength. So... Congress is making the part of the Bible where the jews killed Jesus a hate crime now. That definitely doesn't make it look like Congress is controlled by Jews. Funny thing, Pro-Palestinians are adjacent to anti-semites now. Politics makes strange bedfellows. That saying always makes me think of Moby Dick, when the main character stays at a hotel with the crazy cool tattooed guy. Anyways, if your religion tells you you're explicitly the chosen of god and everyone else is inferior, I don't know what to tell you man. That's just f*cked up. Also for being a minority, they sure seem to be in control of a lot of shit. General problem with immigrants in the U.S. - they need to share American values for the U.S. to survive with such a diversity of peoples and opinions. There needs to be a bedrock foundation of respect for the Constitution and the Republic, as in free speech and civil rights. Jews, by definition, do not integrate with gentiles or abide by their laws, because Jewish law is the one that counts. Not saying all Jews are evil, but Judaism kinda is. Also Jews climbing out of the sewers in NYC is just funny, that was a real thing if you didn't hear about it. Oh, and the thing that pissed me off; they're covering it up online and gaslighting peeps that the Jews didn't kill Jesus. Like, what the fuck? That's the one thing the Bible should get right! Also, how can Christians support Israel and Jews when they literally killed Christ? I've been in a stink about that since Israel blew up. It makes me feel like Christianity is a host religion for Jews. Another way to control the masses. Jews=Banking=2008; they screw over everyone else and walk away. Usury (AKA Debt) is a sin. The money is imaginary. Where does the FED get the money? They print it! The dollars that you slave for turn to ash in your hands because of inflation. If you see money as time and effort, then they are literally stealing your life and effort through inflation and collection. Out from under your feet. That's why gold rules: it retains its value in spite of inflation. Look up how much gold there actually is on Earth. You'd be surprised.
Oh and banking is parasitic. They do no work, and leech everything off you with each transaction, with each "loan." The interest is a lie. Bitcoin is a threat to banking, anyone can transact from anywhere without a bank being the middleman to collect their fees. If everyone pulled their money out of the bank at the same time, they'd collapse, because they don't actually hold the money. Meanwhile, they're playing with your money to make more money, but you don't get anything back, do you? Do you get why I hate the system?
Also, the reason I don't believe in Climate Change so much is because they EN MASSE lied about COVID. If they lied about that, who's to say how far they could go?
Facebook is a gov operation for you to supply your data to the CIA. Hence no social media, no iPhone for me. "A surveillance device that also makes phone calls." Same with your credit card. Sim card. Barcodes. FUCK man we're very screwed. SSN is YOUR barcode. We are cattle.
Pornhub is owned by a rabbi. Entertainment is bread and circuses to keep you distracted. News and MSM and political issues are more of the same. We have more in common than apart, especially when we meet face to face. I'll bet it's gentiles vs. jews in the end. Holocaust cannot be universally accepted, can't lie to everyone all the time. Nothing is universally accepted. Nazis Ashkenazi National Socialist Party of Germany, Hitler funded Jewish relocation, what if the trains went to Israel... misremembered and propaganda? You'd think those who experienced the Holocaust would be a little more sensitive to genociding Palestine.
Lol I'm just kidding, don't look any of this up. I sound crazy, living in two worlds without the words to rip the two apart and reach relocate through to the one. Love everybody, just some people a little less. Feeling schizo, frenetic heartbeat at all the wrong times.
4.27.24 I just read what a "kin" is. I'm kind of disturbed... people really identify and roleplay as something else, like completely! I think it's a very similar thing to trans, people redefining themselves as something else to feel better... I kinda see how that would help but empathizing with that makes me crawl in my skin. Sometimes there are things you just have to say "No" to and choose to avoid, this would be one of those things for me. I thought the whole "kin" thing was more like a "I'm a fan" or "I relate" not "I actually think I am this subject and see this person's friends and family as my friends and family." Just... what a creepy idea.
I saw a car with the top off, really gave me vibes. I remember that I wanted to have a car like that when I was younger. Cool car, feel the breeze y'know? Now it makes me think of "True Romance" XD. I love sticking my hand out the window, feeling the wind go by, though I often think of hitting something and losing my hand/arm.
4.25.24 Neocities profiles feels like social media, but I do like the interactions and finding people through the chats... Hm. Gosh, everyone else is so nice and pink... Grr! I'm just not. Pretty in Black. I might've been on the nose with describing myself as a living non-sequitur; I just flip from thought to thought with zero context. At my cafe -- "I don't have enough money for an AI girlfriend! Me: Yup, they're eating up all my hard-drive space." I think that being social is knowing when to talk and knowing when to not; if you're quippy all the time you'll piss people off and look disrespectful. Smartass. Sometimes you (I) lose people on the train of thought.
4.23.24 Had a surprise funeral on my birthday. It was a good service; if I died, I would want people to remember me and be happy. I've always been kinda OK with death, it's just something that happens, you know? Not really worth crying--- okay, yes it is worth crying over, but personally it's more of a "I miss you and you didn't get to live" than a "Oh god they're dead!" It was interesting to see people assume they'd meet the deceased on the other side of heaven, and they'd be in mansions for being good Christians. I say you don't deserve anything, and nothing is for sure. This life, THIS ONE, is the gift. Don't expect more. You do the good acts because it's what you're supposed to, not because it'll get you to Heaven. Otherwise, you don't have true virtue and you're doomed to slip. Not that that's unexpected. Virtue has to be built. But the important part is I don't expect heaven or an afterlife (even if I do respect my ancestors). I'm in love with the world and the people on it, not the afterlife. Afterlife afterparty, probably not actually that cool. God didn't make heaven, God made Earth with all of its beautiful disasters.
Made a mix for Oddity Street, and I realized it's basically everything I like listening to (besides metal, but that'd probably fit in too.) I think it'd be fair to say that the idea for Oddity Street is an amalgam of everything I like. Hopefully it won't be an idea anymore, but a reality.
Some of my coworkers are kind of crazy. That's to be expected though. Work+schedule is making me appreciate time more; both relaxing and focusing are more intentional now, which is great. Realizing I enjoy cleaning and the product of such labor, I've been filthy too long. "You'll forgive your brother's trespass not one time, or seven times, but seven times seventy times." I think it's important to be forgiving, graceful, and humble. Saw a hoodie, said "You are enough" and "Person behind me, I love you. Love, the person in front of you." Really love that. OK bye.
4.4.24 The thing about paragraph.xyz is that it is SO inaccessible to anyone that's not a diehard cryptofan/AI enthusiast... ew. If they (bitcoin/crypto etc) die, it's because they cut themselves off from the audience (which they bitcoiners/cryptofans would probably be happy about). The more people get involved in conflicts, the messier the whole thing gets. We don't need to piss off Russia and China, or push countries into alliances. We're the terrorists sitting on everyone, weighing in on everything. The heavy-handed amateur brutes. They try to back off, and we don't negotiate. Also clandestine shit does all kinds of sneaky shit. Americans too poor or too busy not being poor to pay attention.
4.3.24 Sorry I use the stupid American way of dating stuff. Yesterday actually felt the urge to dress violently gothic to shock the speck'n shiny Christian audience. Like, eat this! Unfortunately I'm not that interesting (or well-dressed). Also the urge to pierce ears and get tattooes. Silly mood. Actually feeling motivated! I hunt for jobs now, have you seen any around recently?
Considering setting up a "Bullet Bohemia" or "Oddity Street" webring based on the projekt, really want to meet my neighbors. Cafe mood, color of orange, taste of paper and coffee. Weird, misshapen, and free. I'm always concerned that I'm too boring; went around other websites and figured this might be just fine. I like being boring and easy in contrast to the over-the-top websites out there. Really need to post my stuff, just... busy. And yeah, might do another CSS facelift for the site, flesh out a new body. My problem is that I never listened. See but don't understand, hear but don't listen. All the advice comes in handy when you actually try to do the thing. This will go in the Epiphany Bucket I'll set up later.
Can't understand why I didn't think of it earlier but I need to set up a vertical slice for Grim. Brain got rusty. About life; sometime's there's no right or easy answer. The best thing you can do make the choice you can live with.
3.27.24 This may be the only place that a person can be truly candid. Christian kick maybe over. But Christ lingers within forever. Writing a little bit, interacted a bit. "That kind of stuff never helped me out, but maybe it'll help someone else." Never looked for help. Not able to speak to others, look outside of myself. It's difficult. Wish someone had taught me how to live my life. Wonder if I just didn't listen.
Music. It's good. So f--reaking good. Putting together songs but can't listen much, don't have headphones DX. Love my music. Maybe I'll put real effort into what I have, don't like my page, seems unfitting for my constant-fritz-rejection mind. I'll come back with another draft, I swear it.
I love my edgy, but there is grace to black. If someone wears super edgy shit, just screams "High school dropout." Wondering about the nature of an entire society trading goods for magic Monopoly slips. It's just... surreal. It's a house of cards floating in midair. But everyone thinks it's standing. I LOVE capitalism. I hate CONSUMERISM. America is a country of McDonalds employees buying from Taco Bell employees -- where is the value coming from? Where does it go? So many questions, not enough time to find the answers. That's religion's job; here're some easy answers. Don't begrudge them, wish I was them. Instead of security, I have... insecurity. Alone in space flying towards my death.
Not dead. Well, only a little.
3.17.24 Have to reroute some stuff. Keep my mundane life separate, delineated from my Neocities. Can't show people who you are when it makes no sense. Myself isn't marketable.
3.15.24 You know, not all thoughts are meant to be published. There's already so much crud in the world, I should only publish the cream of the crop. So many words, most of them are noise, search for words that ring with truth and power. So funny, I was editing the images in the Gallery and if you leave a space in-between the images a gap shows up on the website! I was wondering what caused that.
I keep thinking about the anti-trans post. Kind of bitter about being excluded, but I knew that was going to happen. The best thing to do if you want to get along with that crowd is to never say anything at all. Why expect people to treat you as an individual? Most likely, you'll get bucketed immediately. And if you weren't bucketed, maybe they just don't like you. See, I'm learning *taps head*. But for real though, if I think so much about it, I'm probably doing something wrong to merit that kind of shame. Standing up for beliefs. Being different. I don't know.
My verdict is that I'm not wrong and I shouldn't remove the post. But it is impolite to put that up front. It violates the houseguest policy of the smol net. I still have my freedoms though. Eh. At this point I kinda don't care.
3.12.24 Haven't indulged my creative side in a bit. Avoiding my avoidance to try and get work done. Admittedly, it feels like I'm itching in my own skin. Constantly uncomfortable with my existence. Some days it's better, some days it's like I'm a bundle of bees trapped in skin. Had a moment last night, sat in the truck for an hour contemplating ramming it into the house, or driving it off a cliff. But it fades, like everything does. It seems like everything is an exercise in futility.
Went to a local open mic, damn they were good. Wrote this: "In love with my sickness, what sick source would silt this slit, daydreaming cross-armed (eyed?) in the dusty sun. All tangled up in heartstrings, all mixed up in my love-pain, I am worn out until I fall asleep."
It seems like everything I write/make is obsessed with darkness. I guess I am very comfortable with my edges. Had an epiphany (maybe) that I'll write about later, about Jesus and bridges and life. Why would anyone want the diary of a broken person? "Free subscription to a diary, not even worth reading"
Edginess isn't presentable. Have to put put a dress shirt over it (and hence myself) in order to seem acceptable. "Welcome to the real world, kiddo."
3.10.24 I am a very confused sort of person. I try to live around people who don't respect what I believe, because I like some of what they do. I must be insane. Around, like that tree that swallows the bike, bending yourself around the will of others. So many words but they're all just noise. Ignore me.
3.7.24 I know it's not very strong of me, but disagreeing with people makes me want to cry, always. It's very hard for me to be angry at people. A Chinese grandma would say that I don't have enough steel in me. The spring has been very beautiful, I needed to write something today for myself or I'd explode, the mud is really stressing me out in the house, the feeling of never being adequate or doing enough, just makes me want to give up. I wonder if I portray myself as feminine in writing to try and be more approachable, then I wonder if I'm really feminine at all. Defining masculinity is hard. I didn't ever want to be masculine, all the boys in my life have been complete and utter dickheads. Even my best friends. God, I hate myself. I actually was supposed to make my site and stuff more compatible so I could add this as a reference for applying to this cool school, but I think I'm very uncompatible with everything, a square peg in a round hole. All I can be is myself, unfortunately. Was going through my micro.blog and realized I'd always been this crazy. Yeah, heavy shit going on behind the screen. I feel like heavy shit's always going on in my life, but at least I'm an easy laugher, and take joy in what I can. Maybe I've just learned to cope with the stresses of being human.
God, I'm going to start crying in the fucking library. HAHAHA you're getting the FULL experience here, aren't you? All my life, online. I really just focus on myself all the time. Thinking thinking thinking. Do you ever get the feeling you can't stop thinking? Sometimes I can't go to sleep, just neverending thoughts, T-shirt ideas, slogans, phrases, until you wish it could all go away. Writing as therapy, maybe I can get as good at channeling my life's force as Tori Amos. I wonder if I pretend to be sleepy so I can avoid the noisy thoughts and just EXIST, in a blissful state of amazingness. Watching leaves float down sitting underneath a tree, while heavy thundering clouds graze overhead, awling on like great big oxen in the sky. Feeling the trembling cold embrace of spring rain, like some feeble lover sick with fever. Kisses from the sky. God's in the rain. God's everywhere, just wishing you could see him and appreciate him. Thank you God. Can you imagine, millenia waiting for appreciation? Just one thank you letter?
Okay, hard thoughts. People monetize their personalities on social media, and it decides who is worth more and who is worth less. Think about that. Likes and views are currency, be careful who you give it to. I might have to use social media for my bookstore/businesses someday, perish the thought. Someday, your digital record might be used as a form of ID, your tracking cookies and personal history bundled up by corporations, almost as valid as your credit score. I had the good idea recently of bundling all my stories into a futuristic sci-fi novel set in the same city. All your good ideas and every moment comes as a test and gift from God, if you think about it it's profound. All your life is a test and a gift. Every moment, God is watching you. Don't be proud, everything was handed to you by God/oneness. Whatever you need to do to understand it.
God is intelligent. God had to actively create the universe. The fucking odds are impossible, it had to be an action made by an intelligent being with a will. Alright bye.
3.1.24 I guess I'm supposed to put something here, cuz that's what the diary's for. Busy work. Really want to be working on Amtgard dork stuff, kind of hard to do when you're broke-ish. Money trickles in, but it doesn't fuel my flood (IMAFIRESTARTA lol). Reading the Case for Christ, it's pretty impressive. But they still can't disarm my "It's All Alien Propaganda Spread by Brainwashed Apostles" theory lol. Maybe it's Jewish propaganda from day one. (Oops, can't say that no sir.) Why can't we criticize Jews again? Oh, right because Holocaust. Noone should be immune from criticism.
Here's my thinking; what were medieval Jews hated for? Banking. What caused 2008? Banking. You can't just invent money. Usury is bullshit. Jewish people aren't bad inherently. But they're not inherently any better than anyone else. So they should be treated equally. This book I was reading said to stop hurting yourself and others at all. Emotionally, I think I probably hurt people, though that's never my intention. That's why I wrote the disclaimer; transsexuality is wrong in my opinion, but you're not a terrible person because of it. There are FAR worse sins etc. and some of them are far more common. Emotionally I also hurt myself and down others, calling myself all kinds of shit, hating on myself for making mistakes. It's, uh, self-destructive. The power of words (Don miguel ruiz). Worth a look.
The beautiful thing about Christianity is that it expects you to fail, but to keep trying and become a better person. It is an education in and of itself. It makes you want to make yourself a better person. Everyone wants to do it, but Christians seem to have a pretty good success rate. Worth investigation.
2.26.24 Why do I have to apologize for my beliefs just to even have a chance of being considered human? Ugh. Not fair when I try to live with everyone else's bullshit and sins. Can't you at least tolerate me, mr. Tolerance-and-Diversity?

I can't believe it hurts to be different. You'd think that you'd grow past it, be less of a bitch about it. But that's the price for standing firm isn't it. People tend to not like you. "Man loves the darkness." Yeah, just slide back into the moral morass of maybe tomorrow I'll be better. Took the gays out of the closet and put the conservatives in lol. I have this problem, is it dichotomy? A split, a divide of sorts, between my previous life and the one I'm trying to build. They're not compatible, though I might try. I want to still have my gaming and my hobbies, but I have issues with restraint and grounding, BEING in my real self and life. Money don't come from trees.

Am I downing them to make myself better? Am I supposed to accept all sinners into my life? Am I supposed to reject them? Be responsible, be virtuous. Justice, Fortitude, Prudence, Temperance. We're all on these roads through the valley of darkness. Do what you can with what light you have. See the (godplaced) beauty in every crook and crevice, every nook and cranny, every ounce of every soul.

You do the right thing when noone else will when no else looks to build the virtue of your soul. If you do the wrong thing, you build the wrong character. It really comes back to the two wolves, which one will you feed? Feed the bad wolf enough times and it may overcome you.

But I've been doing better. Business be boomin babyy. Kinda. Wanna make a bunch of t-shirts, they'll be kinda stupid and then you can buy them hahahaha. Ciao for now!

2.21.24 So I'm gonna spill my guts today haha. Don't feel like there's much to spill. Of course, you actually have enough intestine to cover a football field but that's not what we're talking about. Uh, so I've been working on being accountable. And responsible. Ofc. But also trying to f*cking make some money. Can't link back to my name, nono that breaks the rules of the intranet, but I'm working at making the merch shop and getting my bookstore on the runway. And hey, if you are ever in Abilene hit me up, I'll give you a proper welcome. I've also been going to church and hanging with that community, I really like it. I was always open to it, I just got tired of saying no. I mean like why do I try to just keep standing in the rain? The door's wide open. But I do definitely still have my own opinions, and always will, think it's important to always think for yourself (ok, at least be skeptical).
I've been working from cafes instead of from the library, forces me to do shit because I can't stay here forever and I don't have infinite money. Also I get rewarded for accomplishing stuff with lattes/steamers! Thanks, me! I've also been making pixels and stuff at home. Can't stop thinking/having ideas. I have a theory... brains use up tons of energy, and ADHD people use their brain a lot, maybe it burns up stuff for them. Or I could just have great genes. Some nights I can't stop thinking... Kind of annoying. Thank you brain, you can go to sleep now. I've been eerily productive, must be the near-broke second wind coming in.
Also some crackhead tweaker came up to me last night while I was walking the dog, she said I had eyes that soared. Goddamit I wish I wrote like that.
*I've got some poetry dump stuff in the backpack somewhere here... HRRRAAHHHH! There it is!*

You can escape destiny, but you can't escape yourself.
How would I explain this book to my mother? Or some other person who wants me to just get to the fucking point?
I'm not sleeping, I'm practicing being dead. In fact, I've gotten quite good at it. I really hope to be a professional dead person.
Near-life experience.
I am enough I will be better I am enough Today is a good day. What can I do today? What do I want? I am all that I can be But I can be more
Dead words from a dead man. He died, twenty years ago, when he picked a wife and a life. No more choices, no more chances. The climax passed and all that's left to play out is the aftermath. You cut all the other branches off the tree, now there's only one left, and it's gotten very brittle.

2.16.24 I never really paid much attention to the seasons besides the obvious such as snow or dead leaves, but then I never had to pay attention to the months. I'm really good at not paying attention, letting my mind settle in nowhere. I feel like I refer to my self too much, like some sort of obsession. Constantly trying to explore the parts of my self through thought instead of exploring myself through the world. Reactions and experiences define the person, like a mold from an object that indicates the form.
The train rattled its old bones at me when I passed. Dead leaves blow around, I can't help but think with the cold weather that it's still fall, or winter. Don't know about diaries, maybe guys just don't like to express their feelings as much. You should listen twice as much as you talk, personally it seems like a 1:1 ratio. The less you listen the dumber you probably are. If everyone listened twice as much as they talked, wouldn't every person would talk half as much? That might be nice.
Ugh everything is so pink and pretty and happy and clean and unbearably modern and cottagecore. Feel like a toxic piece o' shit, perhaps an edgelord perhaps. Why do I need to be approachable? Sites look good in black too. Wishywashy weeping willows wouldn't will a moment. Internal chaos conflicts inflicts reflects repels. Do I write this for myself or for the viewer? Who cares, utilitarianism says all that matters is what I do. I wish I knew what I wanted. Read "THE EPIPHANY MACHINE," the tragic mc is so like me, think I'm getting torn up on it. But like in the book, it's something I've always been getting torn up on, now I just know it. But there are so many things to know and to fix!!!