Journal

This page is based on Vashti's impressive diary. The beauty is in the simplicity!
Are you ready for crappy opinions???
Back
4.27.24 I just read what a "kin" is. I'm kind of disturbed... people really identify and roleplay as something else, like completely! I think it's a very similar thing to trans, people redefining themselves as something else to feel better... I kinda see how that would help but empathizing with that makes me crawl in my skin. Sometimes there are things you just have to say "No" to and choose to avoid, this would be one of those things for me. I thought the whole "kin" thing was more like a "I'm a fan" or "I relate" not "I actually think I am this subject and see this person's friends and family as my friends and family." Just... what a creepy idea.
I saw a car with the top off, really gave me vibes. I remember that I wanted to have a car like that when I was younger. Cool car, feel the breeze y'know? Now it makes me think of "True Romance" XD. I love sticking my hand out the window, feeling the wind go by, though I often think of hitting something and losing my hand/arm.
4.25.24 Neocities profiles feels like social media, but I do like the interactions and finding people through the chats... Hm. Gosh, everyone else is so nice and pink... Grr! I'm just not. Pretty in Black. I might've been on the nose with describing myself as a living non-sequitur; I just flip from thought to thought with zero context. At my cafe -- "I don't have enough money for an AI girlfriend! Me: Yup, they're eating up all my hard-drive space." I think that being social is knowing when to talk and knowing when to not; if you're quippy all the time you'll piss people off and look disrespectful. Smartass. Sometimes you (I) lose people on the train of thought.
4.23.24 Had a surprise funeral on my birthday. It was a good service; if I died, I would want people to remember me and be happy. I've always been kinda OK with death, it's just something that happens, you know? Not really worth crying--- okay, yes it is worth crying over, but personally it's more of a "I miss you and you didn't get to live" than a "Oh god they're dead!" It was interesting to see people assume they'd meet the deceased on the other side of heaven, and they'd be in mansions for being good Christians. I say you don't deserve anything, and nothing is for sure. This life, THIS ONE, is the gift. Don't expect more. You do the good acts because it's what you're supposed to, not because it'll get you to Heaven. Otherwise, you don't have true virtue and you're doomed to slip. Not that that's unexpected. Virtue has to be built. But the important part is I don't expect heaven or an afterlife (even if I do respect my ancestors). I'm in love with the world and the people on it, not the afterlife. Afterlife afterparty, probably not actually that cool. God didn't make heaven, God made Earth with all of its beautiful disasters.
Made a mix for Oddity Street, and I realized it's basically everything I like listening to (besides metal, but that'd probably fit in too.) I think it'd be fair to say that the idea for Oddity Street is an amalgam of everything I like. Hopefully it won't be an idea anymore, but a reality.
Some of my coworkers are kind of crazy. That's to be expected though. Work+schedule is making me appreciate time more; both relaxing and focusing are more intentional now, which is great. Realizing I enjoy cleaning and the product of such labor, I've been filthy too long. "You'll forgive your brother's trespass not one time, or seven times, but seven times seventy times." I think it's important to be forgiving, graceful, and humble. Saw a hoodie, said "You are enough" and "Person behind me, I love you. Love, the person in front of you." Really love that. OK bye.
4.4.24 The thing about paragraph.xyz is that it is SO inaccessible to anyone that's not a diehard cryptofan/AI enthusiast... ew. If they (bitcoin/crypto etc) die, it's because they cut themselves off from the audience (which they bitcoiners/cryptofans would probably be happy about). The more people get involved in conflicts, the messier the whole thing gets. We don't need to piss off Russia and China, or push countries into alliances. We're the terrorists sitting on everyone, weighing in on everything. The heavy-handed amateur brutes. They try to back off, and we don't negotiate. Also clandestine shit does all kinds of sneaky shit. Americans too poor or too busy not being poor to pay attention.
4.3.24 Sorry I use the stupid American way of dating stuff. Yesterday actually felt the urge to dress violently gothic to shock the speck'n shiny Christian audience. Like, eat this! Unfortunately I'm not that interesting (or well-dressed). Also the urge to pierce ears and get tattooes. Silly mood. Actually feeling motivated! I hunt for jobs now, have you seen any around recently?
Considering setting up a "Bullet Bohemia" or "Oddity Street" webring based on the projekt, really want to meet my neighbors. Cafe mood, color of orange, taste of paper and coffee. Weird, misshapen, and free. I'm always concerned that I'm too boring; went around other websites and figured this might be just fine. I like being boring and easy in contrast to the over-the-top websites out there. Really need to post my stuff, just... busy. And yeah, might do another CSS facelift for the site, flesh out a new body. My problem is that I never listened. See but don't understand, hear but don't listen. All the advice comes in handy when you actually try to do the thing. This will go in the Epiphany Bucket I'll set up later.
Can't understand why I didn't think of it earlier but I need to set up a vertical slice for Grim. Brain got rusty. About life; sometime's there's no right or easy answer. The best thing you can do make the choice you can live with.
3.27.24 This may be the only place that a person can be truly candid. Christian kick maybe over. But Christ lingers within forever. Writing a little bit, interacted a bit. "That kind of stuff never helped me out, but maybe it'll help someone else." Never looked for help. Not able to speak to others, look outside of myself. It's difficult. Wish someone had taught me how to live my life. Wonder if I just didn't listen.
Music. It's good. So f--reaking good. Putting together songs but can't listen much, don't have headphones DX. Love my music. Maybe I'll put real effort into what I have, don't like my page, seems unfitting for my constant-fritz-rejection mind. I'll come back with another draft, I swear it.
I love my edgy, but there is grace to black. If someone wears super edgy shit, just screams "High school dropout." Wondering about the nature of an entire society trading goods for magic Monopoly slips. It's just... surreal. It's a house of cards floating in midair. But everyone thinks it's standing. I LOVE capitalism. I hate CONSUMERISM. America is a country of McDonalds employees buying from Taco Bell employees -- where is the value coming from? Where does it go? So many questions, not enough time to find the answers. That's religion's job; here're some easy answers. Don't begrudge them, wish I was them. Instead of security, I have... insecurity. Alone in space flying towards my death.
Not dead. Well, only a little.
3.17.24 Have to reroute some stuff. Keep my mundane life separate, delineated from my Neocities. Can't show people who you are when it makes no sense. Myself isn't marketable.
3.15.24 You know, not all thoughts are meant to be published. There's already so much crud in the world, I should only publish the cream of the crop. So many words, most of them are noise, search for words that ring with truth and power. So funny, I was editing the images in the Gallery and if you leave a space in-between the images a gap shows up on the website! I was wondering what caused that.
I keep thinking about the anti-trans post. Kind of bitter about being excluded, but I knew that was going to happen. The best thing to do if you want to get along with that crowd is to never say anything at all. Why expect people to treat you as an individual? Most likely, you'll get bucketed immediately. And if you weren't bucketed, maybe they just don't like you. See, I'm learning *taps head*. But for real though, if I think so much about it, I'm probably doing something wrong to merit that kind of shame. Standing up for beliefs. Being different. I don't know.
My verdict is that I'm not wrong and I shouldn't remove the post. But it is impolite to put that up front. It violates the houseguest policy of the smol net. I still have my freedoms though. Eh. At this point I kinda don't care.
3.12.24 Haven't indulged my creative side in a bit. Avoiding my avoidance to try and get work done. Admittedly, it feels like I'm itching in my own skin. Constantly uncomfortable with my existence. Some days it's better, some days it's like I'm a bundle of bees trapped in skin. Had a moment last night, sat in the truck for an hour contemplating ramming it into the house, or driving it off a cliff. But it fades, like everything does. It seems like everything is an exercise in futility.
Went to a local open mic, damn they were good. Wrote this: "In love with my sickness, what sick source would silt this slit, daydreaming cross-armed (eyed?) in the dusty sun. All tangled up in heartstrings, all mixed up in my love-pain, I am worn out until I fall asleep."
It seems like everything I write/make is obsessed with darkness. I guess I am very comfortable with my edges. Had an epiphany (maybe) that I'll write about later, about Jesus and bridges and life. Why would anyone want the diary of a broken person? "Free subscription to a diary, not even worth reading"
Edginess isn't presentable. Have to put put a dress shirt over it (and hence myself) in order to seem acceptable. "Welcome to the real world, kiddo."
3.10.24 I am a very confused sort of person. I try to live around people who don't respect what I believe, because I like some of what they do. I must be insane. Around, like that tree that swallows the bike, bending yourself around the will of others. So many words but they're all just noise. Ignore me.
3.7.24 I know it's not very strong of me, but disagreeing with people makes me want to cry, always. It's very hard for me to be angry at people. A Chinese grandma would say that I don't have enough steel in me. The spring has been very beautiful, I needed to write something today for myself or I'd explode, the mud is really stressing me out in the house, the feeling of never being adequate or doing enough, just makes me want to give up. I wonder if I portray myself as feminine in writing to try and be more approachable, then I wonder if I'm really feminine at all. Defining masculinity is hard. I didn't ever want to be masculine, all the boys in my life have been complete and utter dickheads. Even my best friends. God, I hate myself. I actually was supposed to make my site and stuff more compatible so I could add this as a reference for applying to this cool school, but I think I'm very uncompatible with everything, a square peg in a round hole. All I can be is myself, unfortunately. Was going through my micro.blog and realized I'd always been this crazy. Yeah, heavy shit going on behind the screen. I feel like heavy shit's always going on in my life, but at least I'm an easy laugher, and take joy in what I can. Maybe I've just learned to cope with the stresses of being human.
God, I'm going to start crying in the fucking library. HAHAHA you're getting the FULL experience here, aren't you? All my life, online. I really just focus on myself all the time. Thinking thinking thinking. Do you ever get the feeling you can't stop thinking? Sometimes I can't go to sleep, just neverending thoughts, T-shirt ideas, slogans, phrases, until you wish it could all go away. Writing as therapy, maybe I can get as good at channeling my life's force as Tori Amos. I wonder if I pretend to be sleepy so I can avoid the noisy thoughts and just EXIST, in a blissful state of amazingness. Watching leaves float down sitting underneath a tree, while heavy thundering clouds graze overhead, awling on like great big oxen in the sky. Feeling the trembling cold embrace of spring rain, like some feeble lover sick with fever. Kisses from the sky. God's in the rain. God's everywhere, just wishing you could see him and appreciate him. Thank you God. Can you imagine, millenia waiting for appreciation? Just one thank you letter?
Okay, hard thoughts. People monetize their personalities on social media, and it decides who is worth more and who is worth less. Think about that. Likes and views are currency, be careful who you give it to. I might have to use social media for my bookstore/businesses someday, perish the thought. Someday, your digital record might be used as a form of ID, your tracking cookies and personal history bundled up by corporations, almost as valid as your credit score. I had the good idea recently of bundling all my stories into a futuristic sci-fi novel set in the same city. All your good ideas and every moment comes as a test and gift from God, if you think about it it's profound. All your life is a test and a gift. Every moment, God is watching you. Don't be proud, everything was handed to you by God/oneness. Whatever you need to do to understand it.
God is intelligent. God had to actively create the universe. The fucking odds are impossible, it had to be an action made by an intelligent being with a will. Alright bye.
3.1.24 I guess I'm supposed to put something here, cuz that's what the diary's for. Busy work. Really want to be working on Amtgard dork stuff, kind of hard to do when you're broke-ish. Money trickles in, but it doesn't fuel my flood (IMAFIRESTARTA lol). Reading the Case for Christ, it's pretty impressive. But they still can't disarm my "It's All Alien Propaganda Spread by Brainwashed Apostles" theory lol. Maybe it's Jewish propaganda from day one. (Oops, can't say that no sir.) Why can't we criticize Jews again? Oh, right because Holocaust. Noone should be immune from criticism.
Here's my thinking; what were medieval Jews hated for? Banking. What caused 2008? Banking. You can't just invent money. Usury is bullshit. Jewish people aren't bad inherently. But they're not inherently any better than anyone else. So they should be treated equally. This book I was reading said to stop hurting yourself and others at all. Emotionally, I think I probably hurt people, though that's never my intention. That's why I wrote the disclaimer; transsexuality is wrong in my opinion, but you're not a terrible person because of it. There are FAR worse sins etc. and some of them are far more common. Emotionally I also hurt myself and down others, calling myself all kinds of shit, hating on myself for making mistakes. It's, uh, self-destructive. The power of words (Don miguel ruiz). Worth a look.
The beautiful thing about Christianity is that it expects you to fail, but to keep trying and become a better person. It is an education in and of itself. It makes you want to make yourself a better person. Everyone wants to do it, but Christians seem to have a pretty good success rate. Worth investigation.
2.26.24 Why do I have to apologize for my beliefs just to even have a chance of being considered human? Ugh. Not fair when I try to live with everyone else's bullshit and sins. Can't you at least tolerate me, mr. Tolerance-and-Diversity?

I can't believe it hurts to be different. You'd think that you'd grow past it, be less of a bitch about it. But that's the price for standing firm isn't it. People tend to not like you. "Man loves the darkness." Yeah, just slide back into the moral morass of maybe tomorrow I'll be better. Took the gays out of the closet and put the conservatives in lol. I have this problem, is it dichotomy? A split, a divide of sorts, between my previous life and the one I'm trying to build. They're not compatible, though I might try. I want to still have my gaming and my hobbies, but I have issues with restraint and grounding, BEING in my real self and life. Money don't come from trees.

Am I downing them to make myself better? Am I supposed to accept all sinners into my life? Am I supposed to reject them? Be responsible, be virtuous. Justice, Fortitude, Prudence, Temperance. We're all on these roads through the valley of darkness. Do what you can with what light you have. See the (godplaced) beauty in every crook and crevice, every nook and cranny, every ounce of every soul.

You do the right thing when noone else will when no else looks to build the virtue of your soul. If you do the wrong thing, you build the wrong character. It really comes back to the two wolves, which one will you feed? Feed the bad wolf enough times and it may overcome you.

But I've been doing better. Business be boomin babyy. Kinda. Wanna make a bunch of t-shirts, they'll be kinda stupid and then you can buy them hahahaha. Ciao for now!

2.21.24 So I'm gonna spill my guts today haha. Don't feel like there's much to spill. Of course, you actually have enough intestine to cover a football field but that's not what we're talking about. Uh, so I've been working on being accountable. And responsible. Ofc. But also trying to f*cking make some money. Can't link back to my name, nono that breaks the rules of the intranet, but I'm working at making the merch shop and getting my bookstore on the runway. And hey, if you are ever in Abilene hit me up, I'll give you a proper welcome. I've also been going to church and hanging with that community, I really like it. I was always open to it, I just got tired of saying no. I mean like why do I try to just keep standing in the rain? The door's wide open. But I do definitely still have my own opinions, and always will, think it's important to always think for yourself (ok, at least be skeptical).
I've been working from cafes instead of from the library, forces me to do shit because I can't stay here forever and I don't have infinite money. Also I get rewarded for accomplishing stuff with lattes/steamers! Thanks, me! I've also been making pixels and stuff at home. Can't stop thinking/having ideas. I have a theory... brains use up tons of energy, and ADHD people use their brain a lot, maybe it burns up stuff for them. Or I could just have great genes. Some nights I can't stop thinking... Kind of annoying. Thank you brain, you can go to sleep now. I've been eerily productive, must be the near-broke second wind coming in.
Also some crackhead tweaker came up to me last night while I was walking the dog, she said I had eyes that soared. Goddamit I wish I wrote like that.
*I've got some poetry dump stuff in the backpack somewhere here... HRRRAAHHHH! There it is!*

You can escape destiny, but you can't escape yourself.
How would I explain this book to my mother? Or some other person who wants me to just get to the fucking point?
I'm not sleeping, I'm practicing being dead. In fact, I've gotten quite good at it. I really hope to be a professional dead person.
Near-life experience.
I am enough I will be better I am enough Today is a good day. What can I do today? What do I want? I am all that I can be But I can be more
Dead words from a dead man. He died, twenty years ago, when he picked a wife and a life. No more choices, no more chances. The climax passed and all that's left to play out is the aftermath. You cut all the other branches off the tree, now there's only one left, and it's gotten very brittle.

2.16.24 I never really paid much attention to the seasons besides the obvious such as snow or dead leaves, but then I never had to pay attention to the months. I'm really good at not paying attention, letting my mind settle in nowhere. I feel like I refer to my self too much, like some sort of obsession. Constantly trying to explore the parts of my self through thought instead of exploring myself through the world. Reactions and experiences define the person, like a mold from an object that indicates the form.
The train rattled its old bones at me when I passed. Dead leaves blow around, I can't help but think with the cold weather that it's still fall, or winter. Don't know about diaries, maybe guys just don't like to express their feelings as much. You should listen twice as much as you talk, personally it seems like a 1:1 ratio. The less you listen the dumber you probably are. If everyone listened twice as much as they talked, wouldn't every person would talk half as much? That might be nice.
Ugh everything is so pink and pretty and happy and clean and unbearably modern and cottagecore. Feel like a toxic piece o' shit, perhaps an edgelord perhaps. Why do I need to be approachable? Sites look good in black too. Wishywashy weeping willows wouldn't will a moment. Internal chaos conflicts inflicts reflects repels. Do I write this for myself or for the viewer? Who cares, utilitarianism says all that matters is what I do. I wish I knew what I wanted. Read "THE EPIPHANY MACHINE," the tragic mc is so like me, think I'm getting torn up on it. But like in the book, it's something I've always been getting torn up on, now I just know it. But there are so many things to know and to fix!!!